Egypt Talk Show
by Jester Fraser
Summary: Got in episode 15 everyone please read it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!! I NEED TOPICS HERE!! Rating for drug use, strong language,sex-related humor and sexual content,(not elaborate it's just there)
1. Episode One

Egypt Talk Show

Disclaimer: I don't own the Mummy or The Mummy Returns or the characters. Property of Stephan Sommers and Universal pictures.

AN: This is a television talk show about movies that take place in Egypt, mainly centering on The Mummy and The Mummy Returns.

Mai O'Connell: Hay! People I would like to introduce you to me, Mai O'Connell, the author. I have many powers that go beyond ILM's mortal imagination. Today I have the pride the privilege, nay the pleasure of welcoming you to Egypt Talk Show. For our First guests ever, are the good guys in The Mummy. Say Hi to them! *The good guys from the Mummy appear out of nowhere and land in comfortable sofa's that are shown in Talk shows.*

Rick: Where am I?

Mai: In my talk show room! Where else?

Rick: In a bed with a beautiful Egyptian girl.

Mai: Too bad! So we have, here are Evy, Rick, Jonathan, Dr.Bey, and Ardeth Bay. Say hello to the audience!

Ardeth: What audience?

Mai: The readers numb nut!

Evy: Why are we here?

Mai: Because I have one track mind that consist of The Mummy, The Mummy Returns and of course the ever so awesome, Brendan Fraser. Any more questions?

Dr.Bey: Yeah-

Mai: Shut-up the reviewers ask questions not you! Bastards. Rick, you sit by me. Evy you sit over here on my left and you three sit over there. *points to the seats across from me*

Rick: So what do we do?

Mai: Have you noticed the title? How it says Talk Show? What do you do on a **_talk_** show?

Ardeth: *Raises his hand and shakes it like he's about to piss his pants.* Oh! Oh, pick me pick me!

Mai: Ardeth. You have an answer?

Ardeth: Yeah we…. We.. Damn it! I forgot!

*Evy and Dr.Bey raise their hands quickly*

Mai: Evy?

Evy: We talk, right?

Mai: Very good! Your such a good little girl. Yes you are! Go fetch! *throws a slim fast diet bar back stage. Evy runs after it* Good! I have Rick all to myself now! *Hugs Rick in a vice-like grip.*

Rick: Mai, I can't breathe!! Stop! 

Mai: Oh, sorry. Don't want to kill my favorite character!* Mai smiles like an idiot* Okay so what should we talk about first? You know what?

Everyone: What?

Mai: I want The Mummy Returns characters here instead. Bye Bye! *uses powers to make them disappear and the Mummy Returns characters appear* Yay! Much better. And it's almost everyone! Now, send in questions or topics and give little tidbits in what you mean because I'm an idiot and I don't understand jackshit!

Everyone: Ah Fuck!

Evy: Alex watch your language!

Alex: you cussed too mum!

Evy: Don't you dare talk back to me! Or I'll-

Alex: You'll what ground me?

Imhotep: No, I'll kill you.

Lock-nah: No way, he's mine!

Meela/Anck: No! I get to kill him!!

Imhotep: No I do!

Lock-nah: uh-huh! I do!

Meela/Anck: No! Me!!

*All begin to fight.*

Ardeth: How about I kill him?

Imhotep/Lock-nah/Meela/Anck: No I ill him!! * drag Ardeth in their fight.*

Mai: *under her breath* I kill him.

Evy: No one is going to kill my son! Not even me!

Rick: You have to admit I was right Evy. We should have used a condom.

Evy: But he shows that we really love each other.

Jonathan: Nah, you didn't need to have a kid to prove you love each other. All the people on the internet would know after I posted the video of you two having sex on there.

Rick: Well I have nothing to hide. I'm rather large.

Evy: Jonathan! That is wrong!

Mai: Shut-up! He didn't do that! You idiots, you didn't have the internet back then! You didn't have home video cameras for the love of Ra! 

Rick: Isn't it suppose to be for the love of God?

Mai: I don't use the name of the Lord in vein.

Evy: So you're religious?

Mai: *shows an inch between her forefinger and her thumb* Just a little.

Evy: Alex, she is an example to follow.

Alex: Whatever. Can I leave? I don't want to be in this anymore!

Mai: Damn you! you Biliygana Chihedy! (pronounced bill-ee-gawn-ah cha-ee-dee)

Rick: What does that mean?

Mai: It means damn Alex the little White demon, or otherwise known as white boy!

Rick: In what language?

Mai: Danae.

Rick: Danae?

Mai: Navajo.

Rick: Oh… am I what you called Alex?

Mai: *grins like and idiot* Of course not! You're hot! I love you!

Evy: Back off! He's my man!

Mai: Hey! Don't piss me off! I hold powers beyond ILM's mortal imagination! * tall shot of me black back ground with lightning and thunder crashing around*

Rick: Don't get her mad.

Alex: She won't do anything. Anyone got a joint?

Evy: Alex! You smoke joints?

Alex: No, I just wanted to sound cool.

Mai: My sister has some, but I won't let you have any.

Alex: Why not?

Mai: Cause you suck ass!

Alex *all whiny* My dad'll kick you ass for that! Right Dad?

Rick: *snaps from blank look* Uh, no.

Alex: *all whiny again* Wwwwhhhhhhhyyyy not?

Rick: Cos, it's rude to kick a lady's ass. I'd much prefer to squeeze it!

Evy: Go right ahead.

Rick: Really?

Evy: Sure.

*Rick reaches over to author (me). Author slaps his hand*

Mai: I have a boyfriend already thank you. Besides you're married. Now, reviewers, please send questions or topics to me through your reviews. It'll help a lot. Thanks for tuning in and have a kick ass life!

*Sweat drops as I look at Imhotep, Meela/Anck, Lock-nah, and Ardeth fight on who will kill Alex.* Please Review!! May be I should get some snakes here.

End credits

Okay, Sucks? Stupid? Should I continue? You tell me when you click the rectangular light purple box that says "Click here to Submit a Review" I'm waiting!

Episode 2

Mai: Actually, this is more like episode 1 and a half. Just something came to me. No things from reviewers

Rick: What came to you?

Mai: A rumor. I heard that Evy is cheating on you, with Ardeth Bay, and she's cheating on him with Vassili (Enemy At The Gates) and she's cheating on him with Will (About A Boy).

Evy: I am not cheating on Vassili, anymore.

Mai: Oh? What happened to Will?

Evy: He pissed me off, he was going out with a girl named Rachael. So I dumped him and he was taken by surprise. So it just ends with Vassili.

Ardeth: *Gets out of fight for a moment* You're cheating on me? With who?

Evy: *All dreamy eyed* The great Vassili Zaitsev, a Russian sharpshooter. The best in Russia!

Ardeth nods then goes back into the fight on who will kill Alex.

Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa!! A Russian?

Mai: *slaps him across the face* There will be no dislike to any race except whites, that's for me. Besides, Russians have dead sexy accents. So deep, so gruff, I love Harrison Ford!! Besides, I think that communism is a great idea. There is nothing to covet your neighbor. Except a wife, a husband, or a friendship, but those things have to be resisted, and I know anyone can resist such. Now, no racial or country people discrimination!!

Rick: But you hate white people.

Mai: I am a native American, I have a right to. You white people stole our land! I do not like that. Well now I will not have racial discrimination, not even me, if I can help it.

Alex: So Mum's having two affairs?

Rick and Evy nod.

Alex: And you're okay with this, Dad?

Rick: Well, she deserves her fun. I mean she almost died, I'd do the same if she let me. Actually she did die, which pissed me off so now I let her do what she wants. One occasion, *turns to Evy* Who's better in bed? Me or him, Vassili?

Evy: Well, he can do it in small places, and in the open very good, but overall I have to say that he is not as good as you. You're larger.

Rick: *grins as he pulls Evy close* Yeah, she can do what she wants. What about Ardeth?

Evy: Close run, but you are still slightly larger and better.

Rick: She has all freedom. * Those two start making out*

Alex: Oh jeez get a room!

Mai: *Closes eyes in disgust* Please do.

Waves her hand, using author powers so that they are put in a room with sound proof walls. And oxygen is always in supply in there.

Mai: *lights a joint* Want one, Alex?

Alex: *accepts joint, lights it with a match he strikes on Ardeth's face* Thanks. What we do now?

Mai: Wait for reviews and get high.

Alex: Cool.

End Credits


	2. Episode Two

****

Egypt Talk Show!

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah blah blah. Don't own it, never have necer will. The Mummy is sadly not mine. Tear.

Mai: Okay, I got one review, I feel sad. They did a nice thing though, I was having a bad day. Feel sorry for me.

Rick: Aww, let's hear it for Mai.

Everyone: Imhotep, Meela/Anck, Lock-nah and Ardeth pause in fighting* Oh, how sad.

Mai: *fake sobs* They didn't give me a topic or a a, *sniff* question to ask you idiots. *evil voice* Though since you're idiots you probably don't know your own birthdays.

Ardeth:* Momentarily stops fighting* What's a birthday?

Mai: My point exactly. I need another joint. A pipe, anyone got a pipe? Wait, I don't smoke opium. Anyone got some spare Marijuana? (An I pronounce that Mar-re-jew- wana to let you know)

Alex: Couldn't you make some appear out of nowhere?

Mai: I'm too lazy to.

Alex: All you gotta do is wave your fucking hand.

Mai: *waves her hand Marijuana appears* There, I did it, happy? Now shut the fuck up you two!! *Rick and Evy come out of the room made for them* Uh, Rick, why are you pants inside out? And your boots are on the wrong feet. Evy, you dress is not only inside out but backwards and you need to fix you Ra forsaken hair. Last time I make a sound proof room for you two. *They blush and are about to go back into the room but I make it disappear* No, you are going to have to change it out here. I gave Rick the last condom so I don't want you two to accidentally have another kid. From now on you stay here. 

*They start to complain but I can't here them* Stop mumbling you babies. *They start to fix their clothes. I cover Alex's eyes* Don't watch kid, you're to young. Here have a joint.

The other people stop fighting and watch as Rick and Evelyn fix their clothes.

Imhotep: Damn! That is one nice body!

Ardeth: *Covers his eyes nervously* She is married, she is married.. * he continues to say that as he peaks at her through his fingers.*

Lock-nah: Oh yeah, shake that bootie.

Meela/Anck: Damn, if Rick asked for my help I'd be glad to give it to him. Wow, a six pack! *Squeals as she sees him take off his pants, He's wearing briefs* A six pack and a large sac!! *Squeals more as he flexes his muscles.*

Rick: Damn, having sex for two days in a row really gives ya a crick in the neck!

Mai: Ran out of time now Gotta get off the internet and I still need to download. So please review! PPPLLLEAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!

BYE

End Credits


	3. Episode Three

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Three

Disclaimer: Me: Do I have to do this? Lawyers: Yes!! Me: Fine! Okay, I will, I will. I don't own jack shit. There happy you fucking Ra-forsaken damned lawyers?? *They nod*

Mai: One day I'll get, you'll see. Okay we got a topic today. The person must be insane, We first talk about drugs and what they do to you and then, oh I loathe saying this, how "hot" Imhotep is. Plese!! He's bald! I don't think bald white people are hot!

Imhotep: Hey! I'm not white! I have a good tan!

Mai: Okay, maybe he's just a little hot. But Rick is hotter, dumber but hotter.

Alex: Don't you think you outta wait for more reviews? I mean you only got two fucking reviews!! 

Mai: Pathetic, I know. Don't rub it in you Biliygana Chihedy!! Now just shut-up, you have spoken more than my fav. Character Rick! How awful. Now to the drugs. Let's talk of Marijuana! I like it! Gets you high.

Alex: Can I have another joint?

Mai: No, you have had enough joints! Everyone else can have some. You three have to stop fighting to get some. *They stop fighting and sit like good children* Okay. Drugs, what do you think when you hear that word.

Imhotep: Anck-su-namum is a slutty hoe!

Lock-nah: That curator guy is extremely disgusting.

Meela/Anck: Imhotep is bald with a tan on his head.

Rick: 69

Evy: 69

*They start nuzzling*

Mai: Oh my Ra, please will you two stop for The love of Ra! 

Alex: Why'd they say 69?

Mai: you're too young to know!

Alex: NO I'm not! I know why you won't tell me! It's because you don't know either!! Hahahah

Mai: *Slaps him with a frying pan* Shut up you little fucker! It's the number of sex numb nut!

Ardeth: I think of Camels when you say drug, my acquaintance.

Mai: Camels!! You think of Camels!! How could you think of Camels!! They're disgusting, they bite they spit!

Evy: You tell it sister! 

Ardeth: NO! The cigarette camels! Which I am dying for right now.

Mai: Oh here. *hands him Camles* My sister had lots of them, but I stole them. Here's a lighter. 

Ardeth: I'd much rather have a match. *Glances at O'Connell*

Mai: alright here's twenty of them, have fun. 

*Ardeth strikes all twenty on O'Connell's face, he yelps about ready to kill Ardeth but asks for a cigarette in stead. Ardeth gives him one nd a lighter. Rick uses the lighter and sets Ardeth's beard on fire. Ardeth runs around looking for water. Finally I give him one so Ardeth fans don't kill me.*

Alex: What was the point of that? 

Mai: I don't know. I don't know Jackshit!!

Evy: Perhaps you should go to school.

Mai: *Takes a breathe of my joint* Nah, all the schools I went to, people thought I was a freak since I was native American so I became a pyromaniac. And I burned down the schools with my homemade flamethrower. I love flamethrowers!

Alex: You're right mum, she is a good person to take after!

Evy: Shut up Alex!

*Alex is taken a back by this*

Alex: Did you just tell me to shut up?

Evy: You're the only Alex here aren't you?

*Alex pouts*

Rick: I have wanted to do that for eight years now you did it. Can I?

Evy: Go ahead.

Rick: Alex, shut up you little shit faced asshole.

Mai: That's enough, you don't need to rub it in. Alex stop pouting I'll give you more of a reason to cry!

Alex stops pouting.

Evy&Rick: We're just kidding dear.

They go in for a family hug. 

Mai: Ugh! Spare me! Now we talk about how hot Imhotep is. Pah! Hot! Not him!

Imhotep: You've hurt my feelings!

Mai: You're gorgeous, how's that?

Imhotep: *Smiles* Okay!

Mai: I can't talk about this, It's too early, It's fucking 9:25 Am here! Damn! We'll talk about you later. Until then, people, please review! I feel bad. I need topics or questions you want to ask you character. Any character will do fine! Hell I bring in a teletuby to ask the character questions or to fuck someone if you want!! Just Fucking review!! PLEASE!!!

End Credits


	4. news letter, Please read

****

Egypt Talk Show

important news letter

Disclaimer: Do I need to repeat myself. *Gun is pointed at my stomach by lawyers* I'll take that as a yes. I don't own The Mummy or The mummy Returns. Happy you Ra damned lawyers?? DAMN YOU FUCKING LAWYERS!!!

Mai: *rubs the back of her head* I have a major headache right now.

Evy: Have we been annoying you? You could always let us go.

Mai: No, Queen of Egypt's review really got my Native American side pissed off. Then my white side finally came in and started to hit the back of my head and then all world war three broke out. The Sioux and Crow saying : "What fucking 'Stole our land gig'!! It was our land! Then they moved us to fucking crappy reservations and killed off or buffalo!" The Choctaw saying: "We didn't even get a Great Spirit damned reservation so be happy!" My Irish saying: "Calm down, we are all humans and equals in this country now." Crow then said: "Fuck off! You know they charged us double to go into the Battle of Little Big Horn Nation Monument a couple of years ago! And it's on the Crow's damned reservation!" Then my Scottish side said: "At least the governments giving you 52 millon dollars for the gas under your rez." The Crow said: "You have no right to call it a rez! Only Natives do!" By this time my head had a bruise. Then My Sioux said: "You fuckers!! You damn Crow fought with the whites! Who the hell are you to complain?" Then my Choctaw said: "Who the hell are you to complain? You're related to Crazy Horse and you have a reservation! Choctaws got a nation but no reservation!" My Scottish said: " Good ryme here's a dime!" That was nothing to do with the subject so then the Sioux said: "Sure, I take pride in being related to Crazy Horse but will you stop complaining about not having a fucking reservation!! It gets old!!" Then the mater ended with my Scottish side saying: "The good thing of us coming is that we brought different religions. Like Christianity and Catholicism and many others." Then everyone nodded in agreement. So now I have spent the past five minutes or so slapping the back of my head.

Alex: Dang! You were stoned!

Mai: Actually no, I do that quite often. I almost broke my mouse in this fight too. It'd suck if I did. So I have to apologize for insulting the white people. Though I will continue to insult Alex at times whether you people like it or not!! Kapeesh? Now, I just wanted to let all of you know that. This isn't an episode either, just an apology letter. Please continue to review give us topics to talk about. I'm going even more insane than I already am!! If that's possible. 

End Credits

Mai: No fucking credits Joe! This isn't a Ra-damned episode!! Bye.


	5. Episode Four. The real one.

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Four

Disclaimer: I'm really getting annoyed by this but the damned lawyers won't stop following me for Ra's sake! Lawyer: Just say it damn it! Mai: It damn it! Happy? *Points gun at my eye* Okay, so you're not happy. I don't own the damn movies!! Now it's not live from somewhere in my imagination it's Egypt Talk Show!! *Whole Saturday Night Live music* I don't own this either.

Announcer voice: Starring:

Ardeth Bay, Lock-Nah, Meela/Ankc-su-namun, Imhotep (the bald one), Rick O'Connell, Evelyn O'Connell, Alexander O'Connell, musical guest Offspring, and your host Mai Fraseeerrrrrr!!

Mai: *Walks on stage where everyone is the bands cuts* Hello everyone and welcome to Egypt Talk Show not live from somewhere in my empty head. Today we talk of many important issues like how "hot" Imhotep is, *Imhotep fans scream their hearts out* and how hot Rick is and how hot Ardeth Bay is. *Their fans scream the bloody hearts out as well* We have also other people here and Offspring, Once I find their lyrics and so we have a great show coming up so stick around. *Exits stage*

*Room darkens then is lightened up again as a talk show set with the stars and host there*

Mai: Imhotep, crazed evil killer, or a really really hot man? Or a really really hot man that is a crazed killer? Tonight right now we find that out. Imhotep, care to enlighten us?

Imhotep: Sure, Mai, my life goes like this. *Stands up with a microphone* Mistro.

Cut my Life into pieces

This is my last resort,

Ack-su-namun, a hot bitch

One I want to bang all night

Want to fuck her all night!

This is what I want

Cut my life into pieces

I've reached my last resort

Anck-su-namun, a hot bitch

One I want to bang all night

I'll give her a fuck each night

Does she really care for me though?

To run our me is it wrong or is it right

I threw my self of the ledge that night,

Chances are that I was right

Mutilation out of sight

And I have committed suicide

Cause I'm losing my sight losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Losing my site losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright

Nothing is fine

I'm running and I'm crying

Crying

I Can't Go On Live Ing This Way!

Mai: Okay shut up that explained nothing but you're suicide! Okay what about the fact that you are hot?

Imhotep: Oh, I thought you wanted to know how I committed suicide.

Mai: We know how you did it.

Imhotep: I mean why I did it.

Mai: We also know that

Imhotep: Okay, I just wanted to sing. You see, I love to sing, but people don't like it when I do. I don't know why.

Mai: What?

Imhotep: I said I don't know why people don't like it when I sing.

Mai: Because you suck at it.

Imhotep: I do not!

Anck: Yes you do. Why do you think I committed suicide?

Imhotep: So we could be together. I mean you seemed a little bit enthusiastic about being brought back in TMR and you were willing to kill Evelyn to be with me.

Anck: First off, I forced myself to look enthusiastic, second off, I had a score to settle with that bitch!

Evy: Watch, or I'll kick your ass through the nine rings of hell!

Anck: *gets up ready to fight* Bring it bitch! You whore!

Evy: Slutty hoe! Fucking bitch!!

Imhotep: *Sobbing* What about that look you gave me at the fight?

Anck: That was just daydreaming about Zanick having six pack of which you lack. Baldy!

Imhotep: I fell really bad.

*Stage hands try holding back Imhotep fans from killing Anck.*

Imhotep: Then why did you raise me from the dead?

Anck: I wanted to rule the world. I had to kill the Scorpion King somehow and Rick wasn't interested.

Imhotep: Those kisses?

Anck: Just to make you believe I wanted you.

Mai: *pats Imhotep on the back comforting him* Poor Imhotep, it's alright. We'll deal with that bitch-o-rama now. Stagehands, let the Imhotep fans free.

Anxk: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! *Is taken away by the fans of Imhotep to be tortured backstage.

Mai: Please clean up the mess that you make!! 

Imhotep fans: Okay!!

Mai: Poor Imhotep you need a hug?

Imhotep nods and we hug.

Mai: It's okay, there's still fans out there for you. Here reviewers, I'll make you a deal you review and give us a GOOD topic then I'll let you have Imhotep for yourselves. Deal? I hope so. Now on with the show.

Rick, you are extremely hot. How did you get your good looks?

Rick: Awe, it comes naturally. I was born handsome! See my chest and six pack! *takes off his shirt and flexes his finely toned muscles.*

Mai: *drooling* WOW!! And you Ardeth?

He takes off his shirt and has six pack and other really finely toned muscles. 

Mai: *drools more* Oh la la!! I love this! Flex them! *Ardeth does and so does Rick and every girl practically faints.* Wow, too hot to handle almost!!

Well now we'll be back sometime that's all the time I have today. Reviewers think about my offer and do it! Have a KICK ASS LIFE BYE BYE!

End Credits with SNL music


	6. Episode Four Continued

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode four continued.

Disclaimer: Oh I am getting tired of these but these lawyers stick to ya like leeches, they suck your blood too. Ain't that a shame? Well here it goes. I don't own jackshit. I don't even own my own clothes!! The bed the TV the whole house even my dog is my mum's. But TM and TMR are universal's stuff. Happy you brain sucking lawyers?? *They nod* Damn them, I never will become a lawyer when I grow up.

Mai: I can still feel my head throbbing from slapping it. Ow, anyone got some Tylenol? No? Fine, I'll live with the pain.

Evy: Here, have some Advil, it works better. *hands me Advil.*

Mai: If you see Anck anytime soon give her this Midol. 

Evy: Sure, she'll need it.

Imhotep: It was all a lie!! A lie! The kisses the sex!! ALL LIES!!  


Mai: Shut up about that already! Hearing her damned name gives me a headache.

Rick: I'm bored, there's nothing to do here now that you've taken away the only fun Evy and I could have!!

Mai: Okay, we had to cut short yesterday but today I promise Offspring will be here. In that long commercial break we got a couple of topics. What the hell do they mean? I don't know, I don't understand Jackshit!! But first more about Rick and Ardeth. We found out where Rick gets his great looks, flex them some more baby. *Rick does so* Now you Ardeth, where did you inherit your hot looks?

Ardeth: I don't know, perhaps it's because I'm Egyptian, and part Jewish. I think it's mostly my Jewish side though. My grandpa was said to be very hot even though he was eighty. *Shows a pic of his grandpa*

Evy: Hell yes he was. He looks like a young Sean Connery!! 

Mai: Alright first we have musical guest Offspring, so everyone shut-up because they are singing my favorite song, Kids aren't Alright.

Alex: With parents like these it's true.

Mai: I said shut up you little shit faced fucker!

Camera is on the music stage where Offspring is.

(Cool guitar music)

when we were young our futures were so bright  
the old neighborhood was so alive life  
and every kid of the whole damn street  
was gonna make it big and not be beat  
now the neighborhood is cracked and torn  
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn  
How Can one little street swallow so many lives?  
Chorus:  
Chances thrown  
nothing's free  
longing for what used to be  
still it's hard  
hard to see  
fragile lives  
shattered dreams  
GO!   
Jannie had a chance, well she really did  
instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids  
mark still lives at home cuz he's got no job  
he just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot  
Jay committed suicide  
Brandon ODed and died  
What the hell is goin on?  
The cruelest dream, reality  
Chorus x2

Music ends everyone cheers and camera goes back to us.

Mai: Now first topic is the impact of diverting rivers from its natural courses. What the fuck does that mean? I warned you people, I'm stoned, I don't understand jackshit!! Okay let's try it anyway.

Ardeth: Well if you diverted the Nile the impact would be that the people in lower Egypt and where the delta is the people would starve because they'd be in a famine practically. The crocs would either die or mutate to eat humans and look different or just be smart and go where ever the damn river goes.

Mai: Good point. Evy, Rick what do you think?

Evy I think I'll have two hickeys by tomorrow. *Giggle as Rick nibbles her ear*

Mai: That I didn't need to know. I don't even want to know what Rick is thinking. Alex?

Alex: Z.z

Mai: is asleep. Alex is asleep. I know this show sucks, okay how about another topic? Introduction of exotic species into fragile habitats.

Rick: Erotic? 

Mai: NO! NO! NO! NO! EXOTIC! Don't ever do that again around me.

Rick: Fine, down boy, down!

Mai: *Covers her ears* That isn't needed either you ex crazed bastard. Don't you get tired of banging the same woman each night? 

Rick: No, she always has new surprises, somehow.

Mai: Probably watched you porno tapes.

Rick: What's porn?

Mai: Or maybe she's a sex goddess.

Rick: I'm willing to bet that she is.

Mai: Okay forget that topic lets go to the next one, How funny Bush is.

Ardeth: The person-

Mai: Oh I'm sorry the one who submitted the topics is Allauhna. 

Ardeth: Right, Allauhna wants us to talk about a bush?

Mai: Yeah that's right current Bush or his damn father? WE'll suppose that it's The current Bush. He's name is funny I must admit. And the accent, not too far from Clinton's there!! Pah! But then again I don't like talking shit about the POA. Don't seem right so next topic is how Ardeth is one sexy Bitch.

Ardeth: *shirt is still off* Why thank you. I know I am. 

Mai: So do we, I have an idea, next reviewer gets to have sexy Ardeth. Huh? What's that joe? NO way! No fucking way? Really? Okay.

Ardeth: What did he say?

Mai: He wants you to go back stage with him there's a surprise for you. 

Ardeth: okay* walks backstage*

Two beats

We hear Ardeth scream: AAAAAHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO! A PORNO VIDEO IS LIKE THAT!! I DON"T WANT TO DO IT!!

Joe: you have to, so then we can have more reviewers come!

Ardeth: No!! Fuck them! I don't care!

Joe: Oh, Good! You'll fuck them right when they get here? Great shake on it! *Forcibly shakes Ardeth's hand* Now get out there and fuck them!

Ardeth: NO!! *sits down wearing only camel boxers.*

Mai: That was interesting. Now another topic, The Vampyrically Undead Chickens who run the Blood Drives at High School. Well, I don't go to high school so I don't know what the hell that is. But my mind pictures little chickens that run around madly with oversized shot needles full of blood sicking it in any poor bitch or ass hole (Literal term there) they can get there little wings on. OH, I shudder with fear at the thought. Let's hope Central doesn't do that.

Alex: That is crazy! Little chickens with crazed blood red eyes with oversized shot needles.

Mai: That's why I smoke, I don't stick needles in my skin, hurts me too much.

Ardeth: I take it you're a virgin if you don't let thing s enter you that is for a high. Except food water and smoke through your mouth.

Mai: I do practice abstinence and Am proud of it. If you have a problem with that Ardeth I'll have you know that I am too young to have sex! I am only 13 for Ra's sake!! You pompous retarded bastard!!

Ardeth: Okay, I was just asking. Sorry.

Mai: Apology accepted. Now that we have covered the topics or at least we think we did which is what really counts, I leave you with SNL music. 

END CREDITS  



	7. Episode Five

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Five

Disclaimer: *Yawn*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.*In Dream* I own it all! It's all mine!! I'm rich!! I'm rich and I have met Brendan!Yay! *BOOM!!* *decapitated head falls down* Lawyer: Not even your damn dreams!! *Wakes up* AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OH, what? I'm alive? Yay! Okay, I don't own it, I'm not rich, how sad!! *Turns to lawyers* You fucked up assholes! You ruin my dreams you shit faced fuckers!! I hate you all!! 

Mai: So we're back with another boring episode of Egypt Talk Show. And the people rejoiced. 

Everyone: *incredibly bored tone, not loud* Yay…

Mai: *rolls up joint and smokes it* So today, we have no topics. Absolutely none. How horrible. And we're missing about half the audience since the Imhotep fans went to kill Anck-su-namun. Shouldn't they be dine?

*Joe walks up and whispers something to me*

Mai: I can't believe this, they bailed!! After killing the bitch they left, and they didn't clean up the mess!! How perfect!! I guess we'll be cleaning the mess since they custodians decided to go on strike for volunteering to be here as non-profit custodians! Lets go people.

Everyone: ahh, do we have to?

Mai: You want to smell a dead body of a bitch?

Everyone: No.

Mai: Then let's get working. 

*Everyone gets up to go clean up the mess.*

Alex: Wow! That's gross! It's even more gross then when Anck-su-namun kiss a rotting Imhotep!!

Imhotep: I should of asked her about that one!!

Mai: *looks around* Anyone see Evelyn and Rick?

Ardeth: Nope.

Lock-nah: Don't know don't care.

Mai: Oh great! You peps stay here and clean this mess I'll go find our little sex crazed friends. *leaves*

Alex: Can I have a joint?

Mai: NO!!

*walks into a dark corner hearing heavy panting.*

Mai: I didn't know we had a saint Bernard here.

Male Voice: God, more, give me more!!

Mai: *covers ears* I knew I should have gotten earplugs! *Walks in one Rick and Evy right before intercourse. Covers eyes and turns around* OH MY RA!! I'M TRAUMATIZED!! I'M BLINDED!! OH MY RA!! THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT FOR A FOUR TEEN YEAR OLD TO SEE FOR THE LOVE ISIS!!

*Rick and Evy quickly get dressed (properly)*

Evy: God, you are so rude! You don't just barge over here without giving some sort of warning!

Rick: Yeah! That is just rude!

Mai: Well excuse me for looking for you! I said you weren't to do that in here! On this set or around me for the love of Ra!! You were suppose to be working damn it!!

Rick: I was working!!

Mai: Not that kind of working! Cleaning up working!!

Rick: Whatever. Just this once please? It won't take long.

Mai: No!!

Evy: Please?

Mai: Never!! Not even if you threaten to take away my DVD player!! Now get up and start cleaning!!

*Walks behind them to make sure that don't do anything bad.*

Mai: *hands them a mop and bucket* Start cleaning. Alex, what have you been doing?

Alex: nothing!

Mai: Why don't I believe you? Ardeth, has Alex been good?

Ardeth: No, he found your marijuana stash.

Mai: He what??? You little retarded pompous bastard!! How dare you!! Give me my marijuana!! NOW!!!!!!  


Alex: Yes ma'am! *hands over the marijuana*

Mai: You little Biliygana Chihedy!! You shall have to clean this up yourself! Everyone els, back on set. Ardeth make sure they don't do anything funny I have to hide my marijuana again. Imhotep, stop sobbing and start walking!! *Everyone but Alex and I leave to the set*

Ardeth: Will you to stop going at each other already!!

*Mai goes off to hide the marijuana in the dark corner she found Rick and Evy while Alex is cussing his life away cleaning up the bitch.*

*Mai hides marijuana and goes onto the stage*

Mai: Everything alright?

Ardeth: Yeah, we separated those two sex crazed idiots.

Voice that sounds like jude law's: Did someone say sex? I will make the girls here real women with my pleasure.

Mai: Hey Joe, what s'ya know?

Joe (the stage hand): I'm over here Mai.

Mai: No, the other Joe. The one from A.I. I invited him here. I liked him. Because he was the sex crazed android!! Evy, he's for you. Now you won't get pregnant, just pleasure. I hear he's good at it.

Joe: *To Evy. Kisses her hand* Ah yes, you must bet the very beautiful and charming Evelyn O'Connell! *Does something that looks like he popped his neck then good omantic music starts to play.* I hope you will enjoy my company, and I am sure that I will enjoy yours.

Evy: *nervous* uh..

Joe: Are you scared? There is nothing to be scared of. Is it because I am an android? Well, I'll have you know that I'm as good as any orga. Prehaps even better, by far. You have nothing to be afraid of, I spread no diseases, and I don't get you pregnant. I am not small either, I am large, as big as you want. *He is kissing you hand all over.*

Evy: *to me* The room?

Mai: Right. *Waves hand and the sound proof room appears they go in and of course never ending supply of oxygen. They're gonna need it.*

Rick: what about me?

Mai: I'm sorry you're just SOL my friend. Unless you want a prostitute. 

Rick: No, no. I'll just be SOL.

Mai: I just back from watching Road to Perdition and I thought that Jude Law was excellent. He ranks number ten on my top ten hot list.

Rick: Who are the other nine?

Mai: Nine is Brendan Fraser. Eight is Brendan Fraser. Seven is Brendan Fraser. Six is Brendan Fraser. Five is Brendan Fraser. Four is Brendan Fraser. Three is Brendan Fraser. Two is Brendan Fraser. And number one is Brendan Fraser!! Brendan Fraser reigns supreme in my hot list!!

Rick: Lucky me, he plays me!!

Mai: Yeah, why do you think I like you in the first place? Do you hear that?

Rick: Hear what?

*puts finger to lips indicating for everyone to shut-up. A faint yell is heard, a yell full of pain and pleasure. Everyone hears it*

Mai: Oh my Ra, I thought those walls were sound proof!! We can hear them.

Rick: *sadden with the fact Evy is getting more pleasure out of an android than him* Why, why did she accept his offer? How horrible!! I can't stand to hear it! I never gave her such pleasure as him.

Mai: Probably because your dick can't change sizes when she wants it too.

Ardeth: I wish I could have that, a pleasure android. 

Mai: You want one? I mean if you don't mind a dick being stuck up your ass I can get you a gay one.

Ardeth: NO!! NO WAY!!

Mai: How about those girls that Stage hand Joe has?

Ardeth: Sure!! *runs out*

Mai: You want one Rick? 

Rick: No, I'm just going to wallow in self pity.

Imhotep: Welcome to the club. You are the second member in the club. They other fifty people in the club are girls, so you are literally the second member in the club.

Mai: Oh my Ra, Imhotep, shut-up, please!!

*The wallow in self-pity.*

Mai: Well it looks as though you and I are the only sane people left, Lock-nah. Want a joint? *Hands him a joint*

Lock-nah: No thanks, I don't smoke, it can kill you. 

Mai: *shrugs* Okay. But I am going to have one. Wanna drink?

Lock-nah: I don't drink alcohol if that's what you're asking.

Mai: Nah, I mean Sprite. I don't drink alcohol, it kills. *hands Lock-nah Sprite*

Lock-nah: Okay, you somke, but you don't drink because it kills?

*nods*

Lock-nah: I think that I am the only sane one left.

Mai: Wanna help me choose the next musical guest reviewers?

The choices are:

P.O.D.- Youth of the Nation

Live-Forever may not be long enough

Ozzy Osbourne- Mr. Crowley

N*SYNC-Bye Bye Bye

Or Linkin' Park- One Step Closer. Good Bye

End Credits


	8. Episode Six

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Six

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

Mai: Hey Ardeth!! Come here!! *Ardeth runs up in pants* I found a pleasure android for you. I watched A.I. Again and saw her.

Ardeth: Who?

*Some girl dressed in a skimpy leather outfit that is opened down to her upper stomach but reveals not her you know.*

Mai: hey Jane, how's the game?

Ardeth:*to Jane* Hello, madam.

Jane: *grabs him and goes into another soundproof room* Shut up and let's start working.

Ardeth: My pleasure!

*They start*

Mai: Poor Rick, you're all alone in this world of sex. Poor boy. Well to tell you the truth so am I. But I don't plan on having sex anytime soon so, you know I'm really not in that world.

Rick: Are they done yet?

Mai: I don't know, the noise died down so maybe they are or maybe they're resting.

Rick: *SOBS*

*Gigolo Joe and Evy come out, properly dressed*

Mai: So Evy how was it?

Evy: I don't think I'll ever want a real man again!!

Mai: So Joe, did you enjoy your time?

Joe: That was the best I've ever had!! I didn't know that mechas could have such pleasure!!

Rick: Never want a real man again?? NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!! But Evy, what about me?? Where do I stand in all of this??

Evy: Who? You? And you are?

Rick: I'm Rick, your husband that can't be beat in bed by any other man!!

Evy: And you still are unbeatable by any other man. He's an android you aren't. I still love, I just can't get as much pleasure from you.

Rick: *teary eyed*

Evy: C'mon, Rick, let's get in there while we still can!!

Mai: Don't forget this!! *tosses them condom* I got some more if needed.

G (Gigolo). Joe: Do I leave now?

Mai: No, of course not, I like you. I want you to stay.

G.Joe: Would you be in neeed of my services?

Mai: No, I just like you because you can play music by just cracking your neck and your eyes are stunning!!

G. Joe: Why thank you. I think you're the only Orga that likes me for me.

Mai: Yeah, I guess.

Lock-nah: Where's the brat?

Alex: Who you calling brat?

Lock-nah: You!

Alex: Put bucket with Anck's pieces and stuff on table* I'm done cleaning.

Anck: * Magically comes back to life and is whole* I'm here! What have I missed?

Imhotep: What about the time you kissed me on the balcony in London?

Anck: I was desperate!

Imhotep: You slutty hoe!!

Mai: Watch your language! You can do better than that!

Imhotep: You fucking little slutty bitch-o-rama- fucking no good sleezy whore hoe!!

Mai: Okay.

G. Joe: She's a bitch major huh?

Mai: Completely. Reviewers please review, and tell me who the next musical guest should be. Good bye, have a nice day.

End Credits


	9. Episode Six

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Six

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

Mai: Hey Ardeth!! Come here!! *Ardeth runs up in pants* I found a pleasure android for you. I watched A.I. Again and saw her.

Ardeth: Who?

*Some girl dressed in a skimpy leather outfit that is opened down to her upper stomach but reveals not her you know.*

Mai: hey Jane, how's the game?

Ardeth:*to Jane* Hello, madam.

Jane: *grabs him and goes into another soundproof room* Shut up and let's start working.

Ardeth: My pleasure!

*They start*

Mai: Poor Rick, you're all alone in this world of sex. Poor boy. Well to tell you the truth so am I. But I don't plan on having sex anytime soon so, you know I'm really not in that world.

Rick: Are they done yet?

Mai: I don't know, the noise died down so maybe they are or maybe they're resting.

Rick: *SOBS*

*Gigolo Joe and Evy come out, properly dressed*

Mai: So Evy how was it?

Evy: I don't think I'll ever want a real man again!!

Mai: So Joe, did you enjoy your time?

Joe: That was the best I've ever had!! I didn't know that mechas could have such pleasure!!

Rick: Never want a real man again?? NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!! But Evy, what about me?? Where do I stand in all of this??

Evy: Who? You? And you are?

Rick: I'm Rick, your husband that can't be beat in bed by any other man!!

Evy: And you still are unbeatable by any other man. He's an android you aren't. I still love, I just can't get as much pleasure from you.

Rick: *teary eyed*

Evy: C'mon, Rick, let's get in there while we still can!!

Mai: Don't forget this!! *tosses them condom* I got some more if needed.

G (Gigolo). Joe: Do I leave now?

Mai: No, of course not, I like you. I want you to stay.

G.Joe: Would you be in neeed of my services?

Mai: No, I just like you because you can play music by just cracking your neck and your eyes are stunning!!

G. Joe: Why thank you. I think you're the only Orga that likes me for me.

Mai: Yeah, I guess.

Lock-nah: Where's the brat?

Alex: Who you calling brat?

Lock-nah: You!

Alex: Put bucket with Anck's pieces and stuff on table* I'm done cleaning.

Anck: * Magically comes back to life and is whole* I'm here! What have I missed?

Imhotep: What about the time you kissed me on the balcony in London?

Anck: I was desperate!

Imhotep: You slutty hoe!!

Mai: Watch your language! You can do better than that!

Imhotep: You fucking little slutty bitch-o-rama- fucking no good sleezy whore hoe!!

Mai: Okay.

G. Joe: She's a bitch major huh?

Mai: Completely. Reviewers please review, and tell me who the next musical guest should be. Good bye, have a nice day.

End Credits


	10. Episode Seven

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Seven (I think)

Disclaimer: I finally killed the lawyers!! But still, same old same old.

Mai: I'd really like to thank Alex, this person reviewed, they like G. Joe too!! I am sorry but he is mine, I'm just kidding, he's all yours. And so is Ardeth, I'll make sure he knows when he gets out. So today, Alex also gave us some topics. Isn't that nice? 

G. Joe: Yes, yes it is, now what are they Mai?

Mai: First is what your life goals are.

Lock-nah: mine was to be a master in sword skills and be a bodyguard, then it went to kill Alex (Alex O'Connell, now referred to as the Brat)

Imhotep: To be all powerful and rule the world!!

Mai/G. Joe: That's obvious.

Anck: Mine was

Mai/G. Joe: Who cares, now shut-up you bitch-o-rama!!

Ardeth: *Comes out of room dressed only in boxers* She hurts!! She's mean!!

Mai: What happened to your clothes? And why does it smell like something is burning?

G. Joe: Ardeth, pal, you need to do better in the bed, because if you're bad Jane burns the clothes.

Jane: *walks out* Hey Joe what d'ya know?

G. Joe: Hey Jane how's the game?

Jane: Awful.

G. Joe: For some reason all the female sex robots are bitches, I think it's because the maker did something bad to the programming.

Mai: Well, Jane, I'd be careful on what you say about Ardeth because he is now the property of Alex, a reviewer that reviewed!! So shut-up!!

Jane: What ever, I'm outta here.

Mai: Oh, I forgot to mention, POD is here and Jimmy Eat World. So now Ardeth, what were your life goals?

Ardeth: To collect camels, that was personal goal, my Medjai goal was to 

Mai: Guard over Hamunaptra, City of the Dead and make sure that the creature was to never be awaken. I know.

Ardeth: Exactly.

*Rick and Evy come out of Room*

G. Joe: Well, here are the sex crazed orgas now.

Rick: What d'we miss?

Mai: Well, we got a review three times by the same person and they gave us topics, Their name is Alex. OH and POD, Jimmy Eat World, and The Beatles are here.

Evy: Why is that male whore robot here still?

G. Joe, watch who you're calling a whore there bitch!

Evy: *Evy didn't hear that because she saw Anck* You bitch what are you doing here?

Anck: I don't know!! I just came back for no reason!

Ardeth: The heart eater probably didn't like the taste of your heart so they sent you back. You may just be immortal now!!

Anck: Shut-up you greasy haired retard!!  


Mai: Shut-up Anck!! No one is to criticize Ardeth or G. Joe while here, Alex is watching!!

Brat: Are you going to ask everyone else their life goals?

Mai: Yes of course. Rick, what was your life goal? Just to look for a good time? *Rick nods* Then when you met Evy, to always have a good time in bed with her right? * Rick Nods* Evy? You wanted to know all there is of Egypt, then met Rick, and wanted to know all there is on how to have sex with him right? *Evy nods* Yeah, I knew it!! You, Brat, what's your life goal?

Brat: To become the next Austin Powers!!

Mai: I thought you didn't like mushy stuff, that includes sex!!

Brat: No the kind of sex that goes under mushy is the kind of sex mum and dad have. For love, Austin is for pleasure!

Mai: Basically you're going to become a sex crazed imbecile that will do anything to get laid by beautiful women correct?

Brat: I guess.

G. Joe: At least it's not wanting to become a real boy. By The way my life goal was to get have sex with every female you called my name, *Does a little tap dance* Gigolo Joe, what d'ya know!!

Mai: Next topic, What was your adolescent life like?

Lock-nah: Non-stop sword training.

Imhotep: Studying medicines and stuff.

Ardeth: Non-stop training on how to be a Medjai.

Rick: Looking for a good time.

Evy: studying Egypt.

Anck: Uh

Mai/ G. Joe: We don't care bitch!

Brat: Haven't gotten there yet.

G. Joe: Technically didn't have one, just spent my entire life having sex.

Mai: I'm going through my adolescence now!! Next topic is, Romance life.

Rick/ Evy: *nuzzle then start making out*

Mai: *points to Rick and Evy* They don't need to be talked for. I'm sure that when they're apart they masturbate.

G. Joe: Mine go very well, all the ladies are good. Now settled on Alex, just her. Only her.

Ardeth: I have never had a girlfriend. A Medjai cannot love.

Mai: Well you can now and you love Alex.

Imhotep: Down the tube.

Anck: Well-

Mai/G. Joe: *Glares at her to make her shut-up (can you picture Jude law glaring!! So damn sexy!!)*

Lock-nah: Mine went fairly well but then I went into the love of swords. So girls I don't care about much at least.

Brat: Don't have one.

Mai: I do have a boyfriend now, his name is Daniel, he is a total hottie and very sweet. Now Alex, You have to see Road to Perdition, sure Jude Law's teeth look like shit but he is still dead sexy!! Jude was the only reason I went to see the movie!! Now that was all the topics, next time, why don't you ask a question to the people? I accept those too. Now, it's POD singing Youth of the nation!! *Wild cheering and clapping is heard*

Last day of  
The rest of my life  
I wish I would've known  
'Cause I didn't  
Kiss my mama goodbye  
I didn't tell her  
That I loved her  
And how much I care  
Or thank my pops  
For all the talks  
And all the wisdom  
He shared  
  
Unaware  
I just did  
What I always do  
Everyday  
The same routine  
Before I skate  
Off to school  
  
But who knew  
That this day  
Wasn't like the rest  
Instead of taking a test  
I took two to the chest  
  
Call me blind  
But I didn't see it coming  
Everybody was running  
But I couldn't hear nothing  
  
Except gun blasts  
It happened so fast  
I don't really  
Know this kid  
Even though  
I sit by him in class  
  
Maybe this kid was  
Reaching out for love  
Or maybe for a moment  
He forgot who he was  
Or maybe this kid  
Just wanted to be hugged  
Whatever it was  
I know it's because  
  
CHORUS:  
We are  
We are  
The youth of the nation  
  
Little Suzy  
She was only twelve  
She was given the world  
With every chance to excel  
  
Hang with the boys and  
Hear the stories they tell  
She might act kind of proud  
But no respect for herself  
  
She finds love in  
All the wrong places  
The same situations  
Just different faces  
  
Changed up her pace  
Since her daddy left her  
Too bad he never told her  
She deserved much better  
  
Johnny boy  
Always played the fool  
He broke all the rules  
So you would  
Think he was cool  
  
He was never  
Really one of the guys  
No matter  
How hard he tried  
Often thought of suicide  
  
It's kind of hard when  
You ain't got no friends  
He put his life to an end  
They might remember him then  
  
You cross the line and  
There's no turning back  
Told the world how he felt  
With the sound of a gat  
  
Repeat chorus  
  
Who's to blame  
For the lives  
That tragedies claim?  
No matter what you say  
It don't take away the pain  
  
That I feel inside  
I'm tired of all the lies  
Don't nobody know why  
It's the blind  
Leading the blind  
  
I guess that's the  
Way the story goes  
Will it ever make sense  
Somebody's got to know  
  
There's got to be  
More to life than this  
There's got to be  
More to everything  
I thought exists  
  
Repeat chorus  


Mai: Now we have Jimmy Eat World singing sweetness and Middle. Sweetness first!!

If you're listening  
Sing it back  
String from your tether unwinds  
Up and outward  
(But only)  
To bind  
I was spinning free  
With a little sweet  
And simple numbing me  
Are you listening?  
Sing it back  
So tell me what do I need  
When the words  
Lose their meaning  
I was spinning free  
With a little sweet  
And simple numbing me   
Yeah, stumble until you crawl  
Sinking into sweet uncertainty  
If you're listening  
Are you listening?  
Sing it back   
I'm still running away  
I won't play your  
Hide and seek game  
I was spinning free  
With a little sweet  
And simple numbing me  
What a dizzy dance  
This sweetness will not  
Be concerned with me  
No the sweetness will not  
Be concerned with  


Mai: Now The Middle!!

Hey, don't write yourself off yet  
It's only in your head  
You feel left out or  
Looked down on  
Just try your best  
Try everything you can  
And don't you worry  
What they tell themselves  
When you're away  
It just takes some time  
Little girl you're in the middle  
It'll up the ride  
Everything will be just fine  
Everything will be all right  
Hey, you know  
They're all the same  
You know you're doing  
Better on your own  
So don't buy in  
Live right now  
Yeah, just be yourself  
It doesn't matter  
If it's good enough  
For someone else  
It just takes some time  
Little girl you're in  
The middle of the ride  
Everything will be just fine  
Everything will be all right  
It just takes some time  
Little girl you're in  
The middle of the ride  
Everything will be just fine  
Everything will be all right  
Hey, don't write yourself off yet  
It's only in your head  
You feel left out or  
Looked down on  
Just do your best  
Do everything you can  
And don't you worry  
What the bitter hearts  
Are gonna say  
It just takes some time  
Little girl you're in  
The middle of the ride  
Everything will be just fine  
Everything will be all right  
It just takes some time  
Little girl you're in  
The middle of the ride  
Everything will be just fine  
Everything will be all right  


Mai: Unfortunately, I could not find the Hey Jude lyrics so G. Joe wanted them to sing I wanna be your man for Alex. It tells what is in his heart, for you, Alex. Please review some more! And all you other people!

I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man.  
Love you like no other baby,  
like no other can,  
love you like no other baby,  
like no other can.  
  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man.  
  
Tell me that you love me baby,  
let me understand,  
tell me that you love me baby,  
I wanna be your man.  
I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man.  
  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man.  
  
I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your lover baby,  
I wanna be your man.  
Love you like no other baby,  
like no other can,  
love you like no other baby,  
like no other can.  
  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man,  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man.  
I wanna be your man, I wanna be your man.  


Mai: that is all for tonight see you all later, or at least I'll see your review, hopefully. BTW, Alex tell me the stories you've written and I'll R&R all of them!! Ta at!

End Credtis


	11. Episode Eight

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Eight

Disclaimer: I'm not repeating myself, the lawyers are dead, they can't blow me up. I don't own nothing.

G. Joe: You have grammar issues.

Mai: What do you mean? 

G. Joe: You used a double negative.

Mai: Shut-up, if you want to be my official co-host you have to be nice got it?? No correcting my grammar or pointing out the problems got it?

G. Joe: Okay.

Rick: So any topics?

Mai: *laughs nervously* Uh, yeah we did have have topics, but we also had 11 reviews but somehow only two show, and those were signed and were old reviews. Sadly one of them was Queen of Egypt's review and my Native side wasn't too happy about that.

Rick: You did write down the reviews right? For like incidents like these right?

Mai: Uh.. No, I didn't.

Rick: YOU IDIOT!!  


Mai: I am going to overlook that because you are my favorite character and I like you a lot. But I do remember some more people begging to have Ardeth Bay. Well, what can I say?

Ardeth: How many people wanted me?

Mai: uh,… I can't remember!! People I think there's something wrong with my comp, if you can see your reviews on the reiview page for this please tell me. I'll have to check to see if it shows tomorrow. If not then one more day if not, please review again on what you wanted. Now about Ardeth, Alex was the first to review and ask for Ardeth so really by all fair means he is hers, unless I can find some way of cloning him he belongs to one. But I will try to see if I can clone him, take note though, I am totally against cloning, so consider this a great honor, usually I would never clone anyone or try to find a way, I have made exceptions for you. Review tell me who you are, send in topics and questions, I'll have them on air and I will give you an Ardeth clone. Is that good for all of you?

G. Joe: Let's hope so now on to the next topic. Who wants Imhotep?

Mai: Yes, who wants him? The lowest bid is send in Three good topics that I can understand, and five questions, at least, to ask the co-host or guest and say you want Imhotep the one who sends in the most topics and questions gets Imhotep. You can repeat topics and questions for other bids to raise the bid. Now, I just remembered a topic sent in by… I forgot who, I hope they send in again. It is why Evy is a skanky hoe.

Evy: I am not a hoe!! I bet Ank-su-a bitch submitted that! The little crack whore!! You fucking bitch!!

Mai: No I don't believe it was Anck. I think it's because you're acting like such a hoe that they submitted that. *rubs head hoping to prevent a migraine* I think I'm getting a migraine from her!! I'm too young to have a fucking migraine!! I'm getting PMSy here!!! So SHUT-UP!! *gets up, One Step Closer by Linkin Park music starts to play. Takes microphane sits Evy and Anck down and sings real loud in the ears.*

I can't take this anymore  
I'm saying everything I've said before  
All these words they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorence  
The less I hear the less you'll say  
But you'll find that out anyway  
  
Just Like before......  
Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breath  
Cuz I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
  
I find the answers aren't so clear  
Wish I could find a way to disapear  
All these thoughts they make no sense  
I find bliss in ignorence  
Nothing seems to go away  
Over and over again  
  
Just Like before......  
Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breath  
Cuz I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
  
Shut up when I'm talkin' to you  
Shut up, shut up, shut up (2x)  
  
I'm about to break  
  
Just Like before......  
Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breath  
Cuz I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break

Okay, now that that's out, I'm going to say good bye and let G. Joe take over because I need to sleep.

G. Joe: Good thing I'm co-host or else all would be lost. Well, that's all for today folks please review and remember the bid on Imhotep. Hope to see those reviews come in soon! Have a nice day or night or whatever time it is where you are!! Tata!! Oh, and we do also want you to send in way to kill alex also at least two ways for you Imhotep bidders!! And Lock-nah is for sale and just between you and me, We want to get Ardeth a new falcon, so whoever gives us the best idea for a falcon gets to have the first clone, meaning give us ideas on getting a falcon just like his old one, Horus. But be quiet it's a surprise. Luckily Ardeth is listening to Mai's cd with earphones so he can't hear us. Tata!!

End Credits


	12. Episode Nine

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Nine

Disclaimer: To repeat or not to repeat, that is the question. New lawyers come in holding bazookas aimed at my head: Repeat!! Me:Shit!! New lawyers!! How awful!! I don't own the movies or this Maury rip off Alex wanted me to do. Is that good? N. Lawyers: Yes now get on with and know that we are watching!! Me: Damn, you guy came prepared, I applaud you now on with the show.

Mai: Okay, now I got the reviews back on!! YAY!! But still I await the bids for Imhotep and the clones of Ardeth Bay. So now a few words from Alex.

Alex: I get Ardeth and Gigolo Joe (am I the bitch or WHAT?!) I'd like to thank the author. I'd also like to thank God for putting Jude Law and Oded Fehr on this planet. I had a sex crazed android telling the Beatles to sing "I wanna be your man." to me. YES!

Mai: G. Joe is his nick name because I'm too lazy to write Gigolo followed by Joe. Just too damn tiring!! Alex's last review was the longest one yet, it practically took up the entire fucking page!! Um okay maybe not but it was still fucking long. Thanks Alex!! Mind if I call you Ali instead? It's shorter, I like shorter names. So today we are doing a Maury rip off. The subject off today's epy is "I have a problem in resisting the shiny gold bracelet. I just have to try it on not considering the risk that it might bring around the Apocalypse and have only Seven days left to live if I don't get into a pyramid by the time the sun strikes on the seventh day or else it'll suck the life out of me. I just have to try it on, because I take after too much of my greedy bastard of an uncle who is usually named Jonathan." Okay that was way long. The brat who did such a thing was the Brat. Your story, I mean pathetic excuse?

Brat: I was drawn to it. It was obviously my destiny.

Mai: Yes, it is your destiny to die, how fun!! Evelyn, what do you have to say about it?

Evelyn: He was just following his destiny. I'm proud of him for being able to stand up to that torture.

Mai: And you Rick?

Rick: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OH what? The Brat? Oh and the bracelet? Well, I don't believe in destiny so I think he was just being stupid.

Mia: Well, Brat, you have to learn your lesson so we have brought you some army guy, I forgot his name, I haven't watched Maury for like five months. But he is cool and he is black which doubles on his coolness too. He oughta be marine!! So bring him on out.

Army guy(Army G.): You little kid, I'm going to teach you not to be so stupid! You shouldn't try on golden Egyptian bracelets that are thousands of years old!! That is just stupid!! *rants on. I can't think of anything cool for him to say*

Brat: I think I've already learned my lesson thanks for the offer but no.

Army G.: *grabs him by the collar and drags him off* You're coming with me you stupid idiot!!

*they leave*

Mai: Now, Alex gave us issue topics for five Episodes so the next one will be tomorrow, if you reviewers want to hear how Alex is just review in and tell me what you want to see, note, Lock-nah may turn up there, if you want stuff may happen. Now, we go on to topics from other reviewers and then questions from Alex, only one, though Questions will be saved for later in case of no reviews. So These topics are from Zlodeja. First one:

Where did she put her glow in the dark nail polish?

G. Joe: Isn't that a question?

Mai: Yes and so was that so let's see if she gave us any topics. *looks at cards* No, no topics from her but Lilena gave us **_a_** topic. It is "Why is that Yallah, a word used in TM by Ardeth to tell his men to leave, actully means get out now. That's not very polite."

G. Joe: Because they don't have a word for polite so they don't know what polite is. They just command people.

Mai: *slaps him.* **_That's_** not very nice either G. Joe! They just don't put things like we Americans do. He probably didn't mean it to be mean. Didya Ardeth?

Ardeth: *jamming to **my** cd that I burned off KazaA. Meaning he's banging his head in a yes motion*

Mai: There you have it!! He nodded!! Now, to the questions!! Now theses questions are from Zlodeja. You know the first one, answer people!!

Rick: I dunno.

Evy: OH, maybe she accidentally dropped it in the dresser drawer by accident.

Ardeth: *not listening*

Lock-nah: What if she doesn't have any? What if it's a trick question?

Mia: True, it could be a trick question, but if it's not then answer dumbass!

Lock-nah: In the garden.

Anck: May-* Shuts-up because G. Joe and I glare at her.*

Imhotep: *to sad to speak*

Mai: Next question: "Why the brat not dead?"

G. Joe: Just tel us what you want to happen to him in boot camp and it'll be done. Review in and tell us how he should die at boot camp perhaps, everyone!!

Evy: My baby will not die!!

Mia: Read Caitlin'02's story A Father Like You  and there may be dead Alex. Next Question: "Why can't I own Ardeth? sniff sniff" Just review in with the price that is in Episode Eight and say you want an Ardeth clone and you'll get one! How good! Next Q: "Why is Evy such a hoe?" That was answered in Episode Eight, well kind of answered. Next Q: "How fast can I type?" Well we wouldn't know that. How fast can you type? I'm curious. Next Q: "How is that 1+1 really can equal 6?" Really it does? I thought 1+1 always equaled 11. I don't know how that works. Does anyone here know?

All: *Sahke heads no*

Mai: Please, if you know please do tell us, I'm curious. Next Q: "What's the best way to pick a lock?" I use to know that but I forgot.

Rick: Have the key!!

Mai: PICK the lock stupid.

Rick: Use a bobby pin!

Mia: Next Q is from Alex: "Who is your inspiration?" Mine is the ever so hot and gorgeous Brendan Fraser.

Rick: Myself, I am one sexy man!!

Evy: My father he was one sexy man!

All: ::squinty eyes:: Uh, that was not needed!!

Mai: I never thought that you would think of your father like that Evy!! I'm disgusted by that!!

Lock-nah: Sinbad.

Imhotep: I'm hot ep! My inspiration was Seth.

Anck: I'm not even gonna try.

G. Joe: Good Girl! You're learning! Have a half of a slim fast diet bar! Fetch! *throws it into a crowd of Imhotep fans that have returned. She dumbly follows and they pounce on her.*

G. Joe: My inspiration was my maker, he was a master gigolo until I came along, but I have retired and settled on Alex now.

Ardeth: *still jamming out to my cd*

Mai: We'll presume that his inspiration is from the previous Med-jai leader or Horus the god or something like that. Well, tomorrow we'll have the next topic "Rick's old flings/ ex-girlfriends/ one-night-stands. And Alex's next question and a bonus question from her too!! Good life may your god(s) bless you and My god bless you all, depends on whose god is real. Tata. 

End Credits


	13. Episode Ten

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Ten.

Disclaimer: New Lawyers are even more of a pain in the ass!! I don't own anything!!

G. Joe: *walks on set a single wild cheer can be heard from Alex and then more follow. He smiles at Alex, in a very sexy way, and bows. Waving to everyone, mostly Alex, just to Alex. Boy G. Joe do need me to write that?!? YES!! Fine. Cheering dies down as he begins to speak. * Hello Alex. How are you today, my love? I hope you're doing great. To day is the tenth episode of Egypt Talk Show and I have the pride, the privilege nay, the pleasure of introducing to you the maker of Egypt Talk Show, the girl who is a bitch on screen but is always of help off screen the one, the only Maiiiiiiiii Frrrrrrrraaaaaaseerrrrrrr!! *Points to entrance*

Mai: *comes in as much cheering is heard* Hello, and thank you all for being here, Alex, Katie, and my imagination. Today we have the topic called "Rick's old flings/ ex-girlfriends/ one-night-stands." We have on the show today, Rick O'Connell, Ardeth Bay, Imhotep, Lock-nah, G. Joe, Evy and of course, me. So we talk to Rick. How many old girlfriends, flings, and/or one-night-stands did you have?

Rick: Oh, I don't know.

G. Joe: Do you really not know or do you just not want to say because it is too low of a number?

Evy: Low is good.

Mai: It's too high isn't it?

Rick: *nervous* Y-yeah, about say over four years worth of one day girlfriends but all I only went out for two weeks. Until I met Evy-

Mai: Yes, but Evy isn't he subject here. On with the story man!

Rick: I have had one-night stands every night from when I turned fourteen until I was twenty-three. Then I have had only Fifty-seven flings per year for about three years when I was still a teenager.

Evy: OH MY GOD!!

Mai: *slaps Evy* don't you dare take God's name in vain again bitch!!

Evy: Bring it Hoe!!

Mai: No you pissing me off get over you little skank!! No one calls me a hoe to my face a gets away with it!! I'll kill you!! *Runs after Evy with a chain saw and a couple of electric wires*

G. Joe: Looks like I'm stuck being the host for now. Which sucks since now I can't make out with Alex. Don't worry babe, we will later. *Sexily winks at Alex giving you her sexy smile with. *

Rick: What happens after you take over?

G. Joe: Now, we have contacted only five old flings, two one-night-stands, the rest were killed by men who hated them, and five ex-girlfriends too! Let's bring out the one-night-stands!!

ONS#1: You ass!! You said you loved me!!

ONS#2: Hey there cowboy. Been awhile hunk. *Sits on his lap seductively. Mai and Evy stop in mid chase a little vein showing in both our foreheads at the sight of a whore on Rick. *

Mai: *turns to Evy. * Truce for now; first get rid of that skanky bitch!

Evy: Deal, let's kill her!!

*Grabs the whore from Rick and go downstairs to the basement laughing like insane evil maniacs*

Rick: That was close.

ONS#1: You said you loved me!!

Rick: I did not that was probably John, he looks like me but tells every girls he meets that he loves them to get in bed with 'em. So I did sleep with you but you sucked and I just thought you were a major bitch. Shut-up now and just leave!!

G. Joe: *looking down the stairs to the dark basement. Screams are heard. * What are they doing? Torturing her?

*In the dark gloomy basement where the power controls are something evil is a foot. *

Mai: Okay, now that we've connected her with the electric currents to the light switches she should be electrocuted each time a light switch is turned on and off. It will be extremely painful, I know let's hook it up to the pluming electric system and the doorbell too! Then when ever someone operates the things they'll hear the whore scream. Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Evelyn: My my, Mai, you are absolutely evil!! Where did you get the idea?

Mai: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Comic books. Johhen Vasquez is a genius!!

Evy: Let's try it!!

Mai: Sure! HEY G. JOE!! TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, HAVE SOMEONE FLUSH THE TOILET AND SOMEONE RING THE DOORBELL!! THEN DO IT AGAIN!!

*Upstairs*

G. Joe: WHY???

Mai: JUST DO WHAT I SAY!!

G. Joe: OKAY!! Lock-nah-flush the toilet twice, Rick-turn off the light, then back on then off and then turn it back on again. Imhotep go ring the doorbell twice but not all in a row, count to twenty before you repeat what you're suppose to do, all of you. GO!! *Go do what they were told and everyone hears loud agonizing screaming. *

Mai: *walks back with Evy* that was great!!

Evy: You are an evil genius!!

Mai: I know! Now, what we were doing. *starts to chase Evy for calling her a hoe.*

Ardeth: *turns off cd player and takes off earphones* That is one cool cd Mai!

Mai: *still chasing Evy.* Thanks!

G. Joe: Now the ONS can leave, we bring now the old flings!!

*old Flings come out.*

Old Flings: We hate you you lying piece of shit that is worse than the scum on our vaginas!!

Rick: I don't want to go through this!!

*Mai and Evy hear what they call Rick*

Mai: There is still more room downstairs want to?

Evy: Sure, I'm sure that whore would like some friends!

*Mai and Evy grab the old flings and take them down to the basement. Mwahahahahaha!!*

G. Joe: For the safety of our guest we'll bring out the ex- girlfriends now!!

Rick: Please don't.

*Stage hand Joe comes and whispers something into G. Joe's ear, G. Joe laughs quietly, it sounds like a giggle, taking this as a bad omen of homosexuality towards G. Joe from S. Joe Alex kills S. Joe I mean she hurts him really really badly, near death.*

G. Joe: I love you Alex!! I as only laughing because he sad that the girls wouldn't come on stage because they were afraid of Mai and Evy, they didn't want their tits wired.

Alex: Oops, sorry S. Joe!! May be you should just tell everyone that next time instead of making it look as though you were flirting with him!! *takes seat. G. Joe gives her a sexy smile.*

Mai: *comes up with Evy* Well, I don't fell like killing you so I won't. Truce for now.

Evy: Okay.

Mai: Okay, so due to the fact that I couldn't have G. Joe, and Evy dumped Vassili and Ardeth (because he's Alex's now, clones are on the way) I decided that I would have Vassili for myself here. He is here now!!

*Vassili enters and there is much cheering and screaming.*

Vassili: Hey Mia!

Mai: H-hey V-Vassili. You hot!! Oh, uh Alex, the Beatles are here and they're going to sing Hey Jude. Give it up for the Beatles!! *MUCH CHEERING IS HEARD* *whispers to G. Joe* You have time off if you want you can make out with Alex now.

Hey Jude  
Don't Make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start, to make it better  
  
Hey Jude  
Don't be Afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The Minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better  
  
and any time you feel the pain  
Hey Jude, refrain  
Don't carry the world upon your shoulder  
For Well you know tht it's a fool  
Who plays it cool  
By making his world a little colder  
  
Hey Jude  
Don't let me down  
You have found her, now go and get her  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better  
  
So let it out and let it in  
Hey Jude, begin  
You're waiting for someone to perform with.  
and don't you know that it's just you  
Hey Jude, you'll do  
The movement you need is on your shoulder  
  
Hey Jude  
Don't make it bad  
Take a sad song, and make it better  
Remember to let her under your skin  
Then you'll begin to make it better, better, better.....

Mai: I just used the lyrics Alex sent. Thank you!!

*Alex and G. Joe haven't been listening. My my, what were they doing? Hm…*

Mai: G. Joe! You're back on duty, in the next epy. Now a Q: Coke or Pepsi?

Rick: Pepsi

Evy: Pepsi

Lock-nah: Pepsi

Ardeth: Whatever Alex wants me to say, I don't mind either of them.

G. Joe: ditto, that tickles Alex…hehe..

Imhotep: Pepsi.

Mai: Pepsi. So now that's all for today folks, tomorrow's issue is "I want to have a teary eyed reunion with my dad." I don't, don't know how to make it teary eyed, I don't cry at all. I don't like my dad either. So tata!

Rick: Hey wait a minute!! Why do you let them make out and not me and Evy?

Mai: Because I favor them. Here's a condom you two!! *tosses them condom and puts them in sound proof room. Turns to Vassili* Now, hello, you hottie, tell me about yourself.

End Credits as Mai and Vassili converse.

An: NO ONE TAKES VASSILI!!!! NO TRADES OR ANYTHING!! VASSILI IS MINE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


	14. Episode Eleven

****

Egypt Talk Show!!

Episode Eleven

Disclaimer: I ask you, do we have to do this each chapter? N. Lawyers: You must, or else lawsuits will be piled onto you. Me: But they've seen a disclaimer for the past 13 chapters! I'm sure they know they that I don't own jackshit. N. Lawyers: Some of them may be idiots and dumb assess, you must repeat. Me: *slaps them* DON'T YOU DARE INSULT THE REVIEWERS!! THEY MIGHT NOT REVIEW!! So you know, I don't own jack shit, and especially not this!!

Mai: Well, G. Joe you have a good time?

G. Joe: Hell yeah!!

Mai: Well, I want to introduce you to Vassili Zaitsev, Russian sharp shooter, and a total hottie!

G. Joe: *Gives Vassili a suspicious look* you look too much like me. *Circles him looking him up and down* you better stay away from my Alex. If you go near her I'll fucking wire you to the pluming system in a public bathroom at the county fair!!

Mai: *pulls G. Joe back* Simmer down Now!!

Alex: I won't take Vassili as long as I have you, G. Joe and Ardeth.

G. Joe: *gives Ardeth the evil eye* you like him too Alex?

Alex: Yes and if you hurt him you can say goodbye to bed and sleep on the couch for five years, while I'm in a Jacuzzi in Hawaii with Scott Gomez.

Mai: Everyone loves Ardeth. And everyone wants him too. Good thing the lab is making clones now.

Alex: Man, everyone wants my Ardeth. *Tsk, Tsk* too, bad. I get the original.

Mai: You are one lucky bitch.

Alex: *grins happily* I know!!

Mai: Everyone loves Ardeth and everyone loves Pepsi.

Alex: YAY FOR PEPSI!  


Mai: Now today's issue is "I want to have a teary eyed reunion with my dad." Well here's a problem. Rick's dad won't come because he is in the hospital.

Rick: Bastard got what he deserves.

Mai: Evy's father is still trapped in the underworld and is being tortured by king Tut.

Evy: *whiny and sad* DADDY!!

Mai: Lock-nah's dad doesn't care about him.

Lock-nah: *SOBS*

Mai: *pats him on the back* It's okay Lock-nah, you still have the swords.

Lock-nah: *blows his nose and nods*

Mai: Anck's father, well we don't give a damn about her until the next Epy.

Anck: Well actu- *G. Joe throws a chair at her. * OUCH!! How dare you! You BASTARD!!! *Attacks G. Joe with a knife*

Alex: *Runs to G. Joe* NNNNOOOOOO!!!! *Grabs Anck's hand that holds knife and twists it. Anck lets go of the knife, Alex grabs it and starts stabbing her in the abdomen* YOU…FUCKING…LITTLE…CRACK… WHORE…THAT…DOESN'T…DESERVE…TO…LIVE!!

Evy: *walks over to her* Alex, can take a few stabs at her?

Alex: *stops stabbing Anck looks up is covered in blood* Huh? Oh, sure. *Hands Evy the knife* you can finish her. I'm done. *Evy stabs Anck like an insane freak. *

G. Joe: *takes Alex by the waist. * Has anyone ever told you that you look so sexy covered in blood?

Alex: *wraps her arms around G. Joe's neck* Well, no, you're the first. *They go backstage and do what they do best, make out;)*

Mai: *Is disturbed by Evy's psychotic breakdown. * We could have just wire her you know.

Evy: *pauses* Well, yeah but I really wanted to do this since she stabbed me. *Continues stabbing her like an insane freak*

Rick: Baby, you look so sexy doing that. I'm feeling oddly, aroused.

Mai: Rick, shut-up. Well, for today's issue Vassili's father couldn't come because he didn't want to and he's dead. Sorry Vassili. *Pats a sobbing Vassili's back* Ardeth's dad couldn't come because he is being tortured by dead turegs. So that leaves, oh my Ra, Imhotep. Get him, people who do all the work.

*The people who do all the work go out and get Imhotep's dad from a local casbah. *

*Backstage*

Immy's dad: Where am I?

P.W.D.A.t.W: you're backstage to Egypt Talk Show. Your son is front stage and we're going to have a big teary-eyed reunion with him.

I. Dad: Sure!

*On stage*

Mai: So Imhotep, do you remember your father?

Imhotep: Well, not much. He was always traveling because he was a merchant. He went to China and Greece a lot. He traveled for ten years after my birth. Then when he returned he said he wouldn't travel anymore, we thought that our money would be enough to sustain us until I took up the family business. We got rich off what he brought back, then Pharaoh Seti I took away 80% of our money leaving us poor. In fact he took all our gold and silver and bronze. We were left as simple little beggars on the street until dad started traveling again. For twenty years he traveled, in that time I became older and got a big break in the palace. I became interested in medicines and I was also an architect then I became high priest of Osiris. I never saw my dad again. My life was cut tragically short after I was caught trying to raise bitch-su-namun again. *Gets up and walks over to the insane Evy. * Can I have a go?

Evy: *stops, is covered in much blood. * Oh? Sure, but I want it back okay?

Imhotep: Okay. *Starts stabbing the bloody hell out of her.

Evy: He's good.

Imhotep: *stops gets up and hands Evy the knife. * This is a new loincloth; I don't want to get it bloodied up. *walks back to seat and sits down.* So that's all I remember. *starts to cry a bit.* He was such a good father, always looking out for what was best for the family!! I miss him Waahhh!!*starts crying*

Mai: Well Imhotep have we got a surprise for you. Bring him out People Who Do All the Work!!

*I. Dad runs out*

Imhotep: DAD?!?!

I. Dad: SON?!?!

Mai: Yes Immy your dad, Immy's dad, your son. 

*They cry they hug they catch up on each others lives as they walk backstage. I hate going into emotional touchy feelings and shit. I hate emotions, make you weak and soft.*

Mai: Okay with that over let's go to the couple coming up from back stage, G. Joe and Alex. Now G. Joe Alex has a song she wants to dedicate to you. It's called Reel Big Fish.

You called me up last night in tears  
And said you missed me after all these years  
But I've been waiting here so long  
I've gotten over it since you've been gone   
  
You called me late last night again  
And said you're finished with your new girlfriend  
Asked if you could come back home-  
So sorry that you left me all alone   
  
You say you love me, you love me again  
But if you love me, where have you been?  
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!  
Where have you been?   
  
You showed up at my door today  
And said, "My friend why do you push me away?"  
Your life with her was just so dull  
But what we had was something wonderful   
  
You say you love me, you love me again  
But if you love me- where have you been?  
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!  
Where have you been?   
  
No way! You wish! I don't! Need this!  
What makes you think I'd ever want you again?  
Yeah right! As if! I don't! Need this!  
What makes you think I'd ever want you again?   
  
Again!  
  
You called me late last night again  
And said you're finished with your new girlfriend   
Asked if you could come back home-  
So sorry that you left me all alone!   
  
You say you love me, you love me again   
But if you love me- where have you been?   
You say you need me more than anyone else well go to hell!   
Where have you been?  


Mai: Okay, I don't approve of that whole 'go to hell' thing. Why the fuck would someone want to send G. Joe, our adorable co-host, to hell. I need to think.

Vassili: Does sound kind of strange…

Mai: *sarcastic* yeah just a little.

Ardeth: You really think it's just a little strange?

Mai: I was being sarcastic.

Vassili: …I mean you thinking, it's just strange. 

Mai: I'm not going to slap you for that because I like you. Now it's just wait for bids. People please review. And I'd like to thank all those who did and Queen-of-Egypt's apology. Tata!! Now everyone can make out with who ever they want but leave me out. *places a bowl of condoms on the coffee table which is used to hold my cue cards.* Just use these. Now know folks, I support safe sex, even though I don't have sex.

End Credits.


	15. A Song for Alex from G. Joe and a murder...

****

Egypt Talk Show

Just a song for Alex from G. Joe

Disclaimer: Be nice and give me a break okay? I don't own nothing or this song.

G. Joe: Hey! This isn't an episode, further proof for that is that Mai is asleep in her room upstairs. I was just listening to a song that I like and I thought that I'd get them over here to sing a song just for Alex, my baby! Alex, for you I brought Letters to Cleo to sing "I Want You To Want Me". So peps it's Letters to Cleo!! (It's from 10 things I hate about you)

*Much screams is heard mostly from Alex. *

All cool music starts playing

(1)  
I want you to want me  
I need you to need me  
I'd love you to love me  
I'm beggin' you to beg me  
I want you to want me  
I need you to need me  
I'd love you to love me  
  
(2)  
I'll shine up my old brown shoes  
I'll put on a brand new shirt  
I'll come home early from work  
If you say that you love me  
  
(3)  
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'  
Oh, didn't I didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'  
Feeling all alone without a friend you know I feel like dyin'  
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'  
  
(4)  
I want you to want me  
I need you to need me  
I'd love you to love me  
I'm beggin' you to beg me  
  
(Repeat 2)  
  
(Repeat 3)  
  
(Repeat 4)  
  
I want you to want me.  
I need you to need me.  
I'd love you to love me.  
I'm beggin' you to beg me.  
I want you to want me.  
I want you to want me.  
I want you to want me.  
I want you to want me.

Music dies down.

G. Joe: Oh so true, I want you to want me, I love you to love me. *Gives her sexy smile.

*From upstairs*

Mai: *tiredly. * What's all that noise?? What are you doing G. Joe??

G. Joe: Oh, uh noting just checking the sound.

Rick: *under breath which he is lacking because he and Evy are yeah uh any way. * Sure you aren't doin anything.

G. Joe: Shut-up and get back in that sound proof room, how'd you get any way?

Rick: We fell.

G. Joe: Whatever, just get back in there. *Rick And Evy go back in.* Now we go to our room while everyone else sits around being bored. *Takes Alex's hand and walks over to their room. *

Alex: How'd you get the band here anyway?

G. Joe: Illegal co-host powers and all my love for you. * They giggle and go into their room. *

End Credits

*Credits are ripped off and blood of S. Joe is seen on screen, someone had murdered S. Joe!! Who?? Bloodied figure comes up and turns of the camera.

AN: no one is safe! Someone is killing the Stagehands!! BUM BUM BUM!!!!


	16. Episode Twelve

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Twelve

Disclaimer: Don't own the movies. N. Lawyers: She'd learning.

Mai: *yawns* Okay now that everyone is here, WHOA!! What's that? *Points to dead S. Joe and bloody footprints on the floor*

Rick: That's Stagehand Joe.

Mai: DUH!! I mean the footprints!! WHO KILLED S. JOE??? HE WAS MY FRIEND!! I feel sad now. My poor poor friend. *SNIFF* He's d-d-d-d-dead! 

Evy: I bet it was bitch-su-namun who killed him, look her body is missing!!

Mai: My poor poor friend. Why him?? He was just a nice guy!! I need a joint. *lights joint and starts to cry on Vassili's shoulder*

Vassili: *pats her back* It's okay Mai, we'll find out who did this. I swear.

Mai: You swore that you'd get Major Kernig's rifle for Tania but you didn't. You gave it to dead Danilov. DANILOV!! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?!?!?!?! HE WAS CUTE!! *Takes huff of the joint*

Vassili: Well he said she was dead.

Mai: Okay I forgive you.

Lock-nah: Then who could it have been?

Mai: YOU!! YOU DID IT!! YOU FUCKING MURDERER!!

Lock-nah: I did not!!

G. Joe: Has anyone seen Alex?

Mai: Oh sorry that song, Reel Big Fish I'm sorry I misread the review it was dedicated to her ex-boyfriend. THE BASTARD!! And now she's at home, got a touch of the common cold I think.

G. Joe: She's sick?? MY POOR BABY!!! G. Joe's coming!!

Mai: *grabs him* you aren't going anywhere you sex crazed android!! I need someone to host the show while I grieve for my friend!! God has just blessed me; today's Maury Episode is who's the Father, now I leave you, G. Joe in charge of the fucking epy. I'll go get Sherlock!! *Goes off dragging Vassili with her using his coat as a tissue. *

G. Joe: But what about Alex… My Alex I pray that you get better. Today's issue is who's the Father?? Anck has with her backstage a baby she gave birth to a couple months back and wants to know who the daddy is. Imhotep, Or Seti I? Come out Anck.

Anck: *comes out holding baby. Everyone boos her*

Random person #1: You slut!!

Random person# 2: you little hoe!

Anck: Sh-

G. Joe: *throws a chair at her* you can't speak.

Rick: Where do we go?

G. Joe: You go into the audience now.

*Rick, Evy, lock-nah go be the audience with the Audience. Rick and Evy take the back corner seats that are in the dark *wink, wink**

G. Joe: So, Anck, you have a five-month-old baby here and you want to know who the dad is right?

Anck: Y *chair is thrown at her*

G. Joe: of course you do. We interviewed the two people that you think might be the fathers *pictures shown of Imhotep and Seti I backstage with their name on the screen. * Let's see what they said.

*First show Imhotep on a fire escape on some random building in NYC. *

Imhotep: I ain't that kid's dad, I don't want anything to d with Anck or that kid. She's just a slutty hoe that sleeps with more guys than she can handle. She's lying if she says I'm the dad.

*Then goes to Seti I as he is shoplifting from a thrift store in NYC*

Seti I: Go away, I command you. I am Seti I, The Living God of Egypt. I command you to go. I don't know anything about some bitch and her child. It is not mine.

*Goes back to the show. *

G. Joe: My Alex, I hope she's alright *S. Frank tells him their on the air* Oh, we're on the air? Who are you?

Stagehand Frank: Stagehand Frank, call me S. Frank, I'm S. Joe's replacement.

G. Joe: Don't tell Mai that. So anyways, we have here Imhotep and Seti I. Bring them out!

*They come out and the fans cheer for Imhotep and people just throw stuff at Seti I*

Imhotep: *to audience. * Hello, I'm hot ep! I love you all!! Now just send your bid and I'm yours. Lowest bid that can be sent in is in Episode Eight.

Seti I: Shut the fuck up!! I hate you all!!

*Audience throws sharp pointy objects at his snake. *

G. Joe: *shakes Imhotep's hand and ignores the Pharaoh. * Hello Imhotep, how are you today?

Imhotep: I'm well, thank you G. Joe. 

G. Joe: well as you know we did a DNA test on the child and let's just skip why you and him think you aren't the baby's father. The father is… S. Frank???? What? We didn't do a test on you!! What's up with that?? 

S. Frank: *holding gun to them* Mwahahahahahahahahaha… I'll let you know a little secret… I killed S. Joe; he walked in on Anck and me while we were doing it a year ago while preparations for this were being made. He was going to give our secret away. He did the DNA test on me while I slept with Anck. He had to be silenced.

Sherlock: the culprit is not who we expect Mai.

S. Frank:???

Sherlock: *comes in with Mai and Vassili, Vassili's coat is still a tissue. Sherlock is studying the ground with his magnifying glass. Walks straight to S. Frank. * This man is the culprit, and he is about to kill everyone on stage. Why??

S. Frank: *rewinds tape and has them listen to his explanation. After it's done* that's why, and I was jealous of him. Mai gave him to be lead stagehand because he was a good worker and had potential and was nice. And me what'd I have? Potential, I did all I was told to do, I did everything!! He just walked around, telling us what to do, being lazy and all. I was working; I was good at my job too!! But you promoted him and not me!!!

Mai: YOU FUCKING MURDERER!! YOU WERE THE FUCKING LAZY ONE YOU FAT BASTARD!! LOOK AT YOURSELF!! YOUR STOMACH IS AS ROUND AS THE DOME OF THE ROCK!! YOU DIDN'T DO JACKSHIT!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!! *Kills him with a chair*

G. Joe: Ooh, that looks like it smarted.

Anck: Frank!! You bitch!! I'll kill you!! *Goes after Mai with a chair. *

Mai: *takes frank's gun and shoots her. * Well it looks like the kids an orphan now.

Vassili: Remind me not to get you mad.

Mai: oh, don't worry about it, I don't kill my favorite. characters in any movie.

G. Joe: But S. Joe is still dead.

Ardeth: I know!! We can bring him back with the Book of the Dead!!

Mai: *hugs him in a vice like grip* Thank you for the Idea!! I want you and Vassili to come with me. G. Joe, you take over the show while I'm gone. Sherlock, go away. *leaves dragging Ardeth and Vassili with her.*

G. Joe: Okay, tomorrow's topic is "everyone switches with their counter parts." Tomorrow you will know who you're switching with. Now the Q is: Could Spiderman beat Superman? I;m thinking no.

Evy: no

Rick: No

Lock-nah: You never no.

Imhotep: Maybe.

G. Joe: Look a telegram from Mai, Ardeth and Vassili from Ahm Shere! They say no!! And they're close to finding the book of the dead and another guest. Next Q is: Who's your favorite rock band?

Evy: Linkin Park

Rick: Ditto

Lock-nah: POD

G. Joe: Marilyn Manson Telegram from Mai, Ardeth and Vassili. Mai says: Mudvayne. Ardeth says: Papa Roach. And Vassili says: Ozzy Osbourne. Now that's all for today folks. See ya!!

End Credits.

AN: A moment of Silence for S. Joe……*SOBS*

Prices:

Person:Lowest price (this is a bid thing here)

Ardeth clone……..1 topic and two questions

Imhotep…………..3 GOOD topics (that I can understand) and 5 questions.

Lock-nah………….1 topic and 1 question.

Please review and thanks for your other reviews! J 


	17. Episode Thirteen

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Thirteen

Disclaimer: *Yawns* Okay, I can do this just let me *YAWNS again* sleep awhile. N. Lawyers: You make the fic you put in the Disclaimer!! Now *aims bazookas at my head* Me: FINE! I don't own the movies. Or the songs.

Mai: I'm Back!! With the Black book of the Dead. Now I brought back S. Joe! *Waves to S. Joe. S. Joe waves back* So I also brought back Vassili and Ardeth back in one piece. To start start off the show we have John Mayer singing No Such thing !! *much cheering is heard* You know this really doesn't work if you don't have the song, but I'm sure you have that so I provide the lyrics.

*Music Stage* 

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me  
Condescendingly  
Take a seat  
Take your life  
Plot it out in black and white  
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings  
And the drama queens  
I'd like to think the best of me  
Is still hiding  
Up my sleeve  
  
They love to tell you  
Stay inside the lines  
But something's better  
On the other side  
  
I wanna run through the halls of my high school  
I wanna scream at the  
Top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
Just a lie you've got to rise above  
  
So the good boys and girls take the so called right track  
Faded white hats  
Grabbing credits  
Maybe transfers  
They read all the books but they can't find the answers  
And all of our parents  
They're getting older  
I wonder if they've wished for anything better  
While in their memories  
Tiny tragedies  
  
They love to tell you  
Stay inside the lines  
But something's better  
On the other side  
  
I wanna run through the halls of my high school  
I wanna scream at the  
Top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
Just a lie you got to rise above  
  
I am invincible  
As long as I'm alive  
  
I wanna run through the halls of my high school  
I wanna scream at the  
Top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
Just a lie you've got to rise above  
  
I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion  
I'm gonna bust down the double doors  
And when I stand on these tables before you  
You will know what all this time was for 

*back to talk show stage*

Mai: Okay, now we have today's topic, "Everyone switches with their counter parts." For this I brought back to life, Anck. So here's how it goes:

Imhotep/Ardeth, 

Lock-Nah/Brat, 

*GULPS* Anck/Evy, 

Rick/G, Joe. (That should be interesting)

So Here *points to big machine with many buttons just calling out "Push Me!"* we have the brain switching machine. Everyone get in. *Everyone gets in* And NOW!! Press the lev- WAIT!! Where's G. Joe? And the brat? 

Rick: I think he's with Alex right there making out in the front row.

Mai: *walks over and grabs G. Joe and drags him to the brain switching machine* Sorry to intrude with this but YOU get to switch with Rick! How fun!! Wait, how bad! My Rick, our *points to Evy and Mai* Rick making out with Alex!! 

Evy: Being in that bitch's body is bad enough!!

Mai: *throws G. Joe in the machine closes doors & Makes brat appear dressed in army clothes* _NOW _Pull the lever!! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!! Evil! SO EVIL!! *Shot of me in evil scientist lab suit with black background and Lighting crashes in back ground in black and white.*

*Machine starts to spark and smoke is seen as it spins really fast that I'm get dizzy. Few moments later it stops. Everyone comes out all switched and everything. G. Joe (Is actually G. Joe in Rick's bod) goes straight for Alex and they start making out. Ardeth (in Imhotep's body) is feeling his bald head then sees Imhotep (in Ardeth's Body) with a razor and starts fighting him to give up the razor. Rick (Rick in G. Joe's body now referred to as A. Rick [Android Rick]) is looking in the mirror at his cool clothes. Evy (in Anck's body) is looking in the mirror giving herself a make over while Anck (in Evy's body) is doing the same. Lock-nah is looking in the mirror trying to make him self look sexy in the army clothes in the Brats puny little body. Alex is loving how tall he is and tries handling the swords but almost cuts off the bodies hands.*

Mai: This should be interesting. How do you all feel?

Evy: I feel bitchy, it must be the body, I guess that's why Anck is such a bitch.

A. Rick: I look good.

Anck: I feel, smart and I have this urge to go have sex with Rick's body.

Lock-nah: You know if I put this cap at the right angel it'll look good on the brat's body.

G. Joe: Just fine, but the body urges for Evy's body, no wonder they do it all the time. But I can resist it.

Alex: Good, you better.

Ardeth: *is still trying to prevent Imhotep from shaving off his bodies hair.* I feel bald, and cold. 

Mai: That's because you're only dressed in a loincloth.

Ardeth: *Blushes*

Imhotep: Is it hot in here is it just me? And I have something on my head, it's long and black. What is it?

Ardeth: It's called hair baldy!! Something your body lacks!! *Looks down* Even down in the privates! No chest hair even!! 

Imhotep: When I say I'm bald, I mean it!!

Mai: I think I'll need some marijuana for this episode. *Goes get Marijuana from stash she hid. Few moments, comes back with a few chests of Marijuana* This should handle it. If I need more I'll go to you Harry.

A. Rick: Damn, that's a lot. Can I have some?

Mai: No, you'll break. So anyone else want some. 

Evy: *comes over and takes a few* I'll need it. Please excuse if I'm bitchy. It's the body.

Anck: *comes over* I think I'll- *chair is thrown at her. She falls down unconscious*

Evy: *lights a joint* Sure, they get a direct hit while she's in MY body!! *takes and lung full of smoke and exhales exasperatingly* THANKS A LOT!! 

Mai: I guess no one wants Anck to talk. Oh, well, either way she's a bitch. Now, *takes a puff of the joint* we'll go to some questions. How does it feel to be in your counterpart's body?

All except G. Joe: Horrible!

G. Joe: I think it's kind of bad because now, I need to use condoms.  


Mai: Okay, I think I'll have a few more joints, at one time. *Puts twenty joinst in her mouth and lights them all.*

Evy: It's a fire!

S. Joe: Fire?!?! *comes running up with a fire extinguisher and uses it on the joints fire*

  
Mai: *face is cover in the stuff that comes out of the fire extinguisher.* Thanks S. Joe!! You totally ruined my joints!! That is just great!

Ardeth: It is?

Mai: NO!! now, I'm stressed, People get back in your regular bodies in the machine!! *grabs G. Joe who is half naked and throws him in the machines. Starts it then it stops. Everyone comes out, back to normal* Everyone normal?

All: Yes.

Mai: Good, now some questions from Alex. "Who's gonna win the world series?"

All: *shrugs.*

Mai: next Q: Who's the greatest hockey player ever?

All: Tie between Wayne Gretsky and Jari Kuri.

Mai: Another Q: If you could be any animal, what would you be? Why?

G. Joe: I'd be a horny little monkey because they're the closest relative to humans.

Rick: I'd be a big bear because they're strong and cool.

Evy: I'd be the big bear's mate. *Rick And Evy start nuzzling*

Mai: I'd be wolf because wolves are cool. But now I'm gonna have another joint. *Lights joint.*

Brat: I'd be- *is sent back to boot camp. (come on people if you want the brat to die, give me ideas!)*

Lock- nah: I'd be a praying mantis because they got those arms that look like scythes!

Anck: I'd *chair is thrown at her and she is hit, but not unconscious.*

Imhotep: I'd be a snake, because they don't have any hair.

Ardeth: I'd be camel, and some camels! Do you have any more Mai?

Mai: *nods and tosses him some Camels* After this I'm gonna start charging you. Now, next Q is: Backstreet Boys: Yesterday's trash or lasting fruity Pop dorks? Yesterday's trash to me.

All: Ditto.

Mai: Tomorrow's topic is: "My teen is out of control! (this may not apply to.... well, anyone)" Well we'll do it anyway Alex. So that's all I want to do now. See ya!! And please review and send in your bids!! Right now we have two Ardeth colnes on the way and no one has sent in any bids for Imhotep or Lock-nah. Prices are in Episode Twelve.

End Credtis

  



	18. Episode Fourteen

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Fourteen

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing!

Mai: Okay, so today we have brought out a new person, please welcome, The Scorpion King, but we will call him Matt. 

Matt: *walks on stage and much cheering is heard and some boos are in there too*

Mai: Take a seat Matti, and welcome to the show, What took you so long to get here?

Matt: I took the right turn at Albuquerque and ended up in New York.

Mai: You idiot! The show is in Albuquerque! I specifically told you that you oaf! What an idiot!

Matt: Sorry.

G. Joe: Why are we calling him Matt again?

Mai: Because in the Scorpion king his real name was Mathyus, Matt is short for Mathyus. So now today's topic is "My teenager is out of control" Since this applies to no one we will go on to the next topic, "My wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend needs a makeover." That goes for Imhotep/Anck, and Rick/Evy. Okay, who's first? 

Imhotep: I do believe that Anck and I aren't together anymore so it's just Evy and Rick.

Anck: I agree.

Mai: You two agree, then you're boyfriend and girlfriend!"

Imhotep/Anck: No we are not!

Mai; Fine! Yeesh! So let's take them ot the hairstylers!

*They take to the hairstylers and then make-up artist and yadda yadda yadda. Few hours later they turn up. Rick looking like the proclaimed sexiest man in the world and Evy looking like the proclaimed sexiest man in world's girlfriend.*

Mia: Um, uh, okay you two like just fine! Right?

All: Oh yeah yeah, absolutely fabulous!

G. Joe: Rick, you look like Brad pitt and Evy you look like Jennifer Anniston! Go back to your regular looks!!

Mai: Please do, that is just wrong.

G. Joe: Perhaps the next topic now Mai.

Mai: Okay, another topic: "I was abducted by aliens!"

All (except G. Joe): WE figured that out.

Mai: Yes, I am an alien spy! I will suck the brains out of you all and all intelligent life will be killed.

Rick: That means that I'll be-

Imhotep: Just fine. Notice she said all INTELLIGENT life, you will be alive and fine.

Rick: I am fine huh?

Imhotep: NO!!

Rick: You're right, I'm not fine, I'm sexy!

Evy: yes you are…*Yeah you know what they do*

Mai: *lights a joint* So I was abducted by aliens, they didn't do anything to me because they couldn't take my brains out and seek the knowledge we humans have.

Ardeth: Where's Alex? I want to have a make out scene with her.

G. Joe: you will not! Or I'll kill you!

Ardeth: If you kill me then Alex will have you sleeping on the couch while she's in a jacuzzi with Scott Gomez! Remember!

G. Joe: stay away from Alex, is all I have to say.

Imhotep: Getting all worked up over a simple woman. *G. Joe and Ardeth attack him. For their safety all the Imhotep fans are tied to the wall.* AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Mai: Well, on to some questions! First Q: "What super power would you most want to have? And again, why?" I'd have the ability of flight so then I can fly away from my sister when she gets mad.

Evy: Would have the power to never get tired. (hm..I wonder why..)

Rick: *breathless* ditto…

Ardeth: I'd be able to handle swords better than anyone.

Lock-nah: You fool! You took mine! *&They start to fight*

Matt: I would have the powers of psychics and be abl to lift things using my mind!

Imhotep: I'd have my old powers back so I could get this android away from me!

G. Joe: I'd be able to grant wishes so I could please Alex even more by giving her everything she wants.

Mia: Right. Well I'm going to go now because it's 6:56 am here and I got up at 5:00 and it's summer, I shouldn't have to do that but it's jump start for High School. I'm so scared yet excited to go into high school, I have so many things I need to do for this and I fel as though I won't be able to do them!! Gotta go, see ya!*leaves*

G. Joe: Please review!

End Credits

  


  



	19. Episode Fifteen

****

Egypt Talk Show

Episode Fifteen

Disclaimer: The lawyers took vacation, and so I didn't write for a while. Now the lawyers, oh so great, are back!! YAY! I'm in a nightmare. Now, what do I say again? Lawyers: It doesn't belong to you!! Me: Ah yes, that's right, I don't own the copyrights and whatnot to these two fantastic movies.

Jester: Hello pplZ! Guess what? I got my name changed to Jester Fraser!! Yay! Now, today we go our Ardeth Bay clones! Yes and one goes to, Lilena and Zlodeja! *they are happy and go off with their Ardeth Clone* Now, we have today, um… no one as a guest really. Vassili, do you mind um…to kind of get out here? You ARE a co-host too you know!

Vassili: *hides in the backstage* Keep me away from that android! It wants to kill me just because I looke like him!

G. Joe: Oh, come one Vassili, I wouldn't kill you. Unless of course you started to hit on Alex, then I'd kill you ever so slowly!

Rick: Hey, what do we do today?

Jester: Well, we talk about stuff. Um.. Let me find a topic….*looks in old reviews* let's talk about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston!

Evy: Sure!

Anck: talk aw-AAH! *is hit by thrown chairs from Vassili, G. Joe, and Imhotep*

Jester: Yes Brad Pitt, I watched him in Ocean's 11 just a few minutes ago. I like that movie. Since my sister saw it in the theatres she wants to rob a casino. And wants ME to help her out. Ha! Like I'd ever do such a thing!

Evy: Well, yes, you might.

Jester: Is this about the golden chest I stole? I mean, c'mon I returned it didn't I? If I were actually going to rob a casino and I succeded in doing so I'd be so full of fucking guilt I'd go back to the casino owner and say: "Hello, I robbed your casino five years ago, and I have spent it all and have been in paradise but the guilt is still with me. So here, *I'd hand him a one dollar bill* here's what's left of my share of the money I stole. Would like to know the others? Well, I'm sorry, I forgot who they were. Didn't care for them at all, just in it for the money not to make friends. I wouldn't even recognize them if they standing next to me waving sign saying 'hey asshole of a bitch! I helped you rob a big-shot's bloody rich casino and we are partners in crime. Remember me! The little 95-pound Chinese dude that was in the circus??' So too bad. Have a nice day now! Tata!" 

Evy: you wouldn't! 

Jester: believe me, I've been raised too well.

Jonathan: I'd like to help you in robbing that casino there ol' gal!

Jester: I AM NOT OLD!! And when the fuck did you get here??

Jonathan: *is clearly drunk with a whisky bottle in hand swaying a bit* I dunno *hic* one minute I'm at the local Rising Sun in New Orleans and next I'm sitting in a very comfortable couch without my pants on.

Jester: *s covering eyes and pushing a pillow in her face* I'm BLINDED!! FUCKING HELL!! GO GET DRESSED FOR RA'S SAKE MAN!!

Jonathan: *gets up unsteadily and scratches himself* Well, it's good thing I wore boxers. *hic* *everyone's eyes are sealed shut and they are gagging*

*Jonathan leaves*

Jester: *is still in the pillow* is it safe?

G. Joe: yes it is. *everyone sighs in relief and open their eyes*

Jester: Well anyway, I think Jennifer is sooo lucky! Waking up each morning next to Brad Pitt! And she works on one of the most popular shows of all time!!

Evy: Oh, yes, she is lucky.

Rick: Hey, are you uninterested?

Evy: No of course not, I just sometimes dream of Brad Pitt, but rarely, you know?

Rick: *a little pouty* okay…

Evy: Oh, c'mon Rick let's go to the room. *they go off to the room*

Jester: Right, now let's talk about Jude Law!

G. Joe: He played me in A.I. Artifical Intelligence! 

Vassili: And he played me in Enemy at the Gates!

Jester: And I fine job he did! If it weren't for Brendan Fraser I would have Jude Law at top! But it if it weren't for Rachel Weisz I never would have watched Enemy at the Gates there fore not caring for Jude Law at all. So, then it's because of The Mummy Returns  that I even got into these actors. But then TMR came from TM and that was written by Steve Sommers and he was inspired by the original Mummy movie so thank you's to 1932's The Mummy!! But I saw Jude Law in Wilde on Bravo. May I just say he looks soo fucking sexy playing a homosexual! There's just a thing about homosexual guys, they're always more sexier than regular guys! It's so so sad!!! Cause their sexiness is wanted by women but they are not into women just merely they are what women like. But then they like Guys!! It's sad!! But true…*sniff sniff* 

Ardeth: If I became gay, would all the girls want me?

Everyone else: uh…..let the reviewers answer that question….

Jester: answer that question and thank you for reading Egypt Talk Show! Tata!

----End Credits---

AN: I'm serious answer that question. Now, don't think that this is all talk show, cause my mind has been working after four months of repairing it from that breakdown from Algebra it is working smoothly! They will have adventures! Or at least what some call adventures, turning this into a great thrilling piece! (yeah right)

Hope you review and have a kickass life! 


	20. G Joe, Vassilij, and everyone's good bye...

****

Egypt Talk Show

Egypt Talk Show is now closed. The end of all seasons. Not enough ratings. Tata.

Jester: **hugs G. Joe and Vassilij** I'll write fics with you in it! I already have one with Vassilij, at least his name, and I'll do crossovers! **cries** til then my favorite co-hosts!!!

Everyone else: **partying** YAY!! We're free from the insane Jester of Evil!!!!

Jester: **still hugging G. Joe and Vassilij**that's a good name…well, you're still in my other fics, but the other fics aren't really humorous, or like this. Well, g2g. Bye my favorite co-hosts! Till the next fic!

G. Joe and Vassilij: Good bye, Jester.

G. Joe: **crying** Alex!! **cries** I'll never see her agaaaaaaaain!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Jester: -.-;; I didn't know that Mechas could cry…

END!


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